


what would you recommend i do?

by ladedanixie



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:41:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26906035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladedanixie/pseuds/ladedanixie
Summary: When Essek felt Caleb’s lips press against his forehead, he knew with a frightful certainty that he would not die for him. He could kill for him, for all of them, in fact, he already had down in the depths of the Dungeon of Penance. It was easy.Dying; however, dying was something else entirely.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	what would you recommend i do?

**Author's Note:**

> A special thanks to Vanilla and Pancake from the Essek discord. This fic wouldn't be as half as good without your help. :)
> 
> And an extra special thanks to the folks responsible for the Essek timestamp masterlist. That really helped with finding the right quotes.
> 
> P.S. I recommend listening to Frank Ocean's Seigfried while reading. I had it playing on loop when I was writing this.
> 
> P.s.s. If y'all want more of an explanation of why I did this. I direct y'all to my meta on my tumblr https(://)ladedanixie(.)tumblr(.)com/post/631119412504756225/also-in-other-news-since-it-wont-leave-my-mind-i#notes

Essek landed with a dull thud on the stone floor of his tower, the loss of weightlessness sending him to the ground with much more weight than usual. It pulled down at his shoulders, bending his perfect posture. He shrugged off his mantle as he climbed the stairs leading to his study, tossing it aside along with the last shards of his well crafted mask. 

It had been three weeks since he last heard from The Mighty Nein. Three weeks since the confrontation and the resulting shame, pain, and loss of trust. What little composure he maintained since then came from years of navigating the viper pit otherwise known as the Bright Queen’s court. 

It wasn’t out of the norm for the Nein to go quiet while on another one of their adventures. They had a tendency to get busy. Forgetful. Though, Essek can’t recall if he ever went this long without hearing Jester’s bright voice popping loudly into his mind. The longest had been the time they had gone to Nicrodanas and wound up spending two weeks inside of a “happy fun ball.” One week longer of silence should not make a difference, logically that rang true; however, that lack of communication was not threaded through with the aftermath of his betrayal. For now, Essek had silence. Silence. It was the only sound in his home aside from the rustle of his robes, and the soft tread of his own feet. They’d been here once. Once had been enough for them to echo throughout his home. 

Lost in thought, Essek walked into his study and went directly to his bookshelf for one of his most recent acquisitions. He thumbed through a few pages before he froze. 

***

When Essek felt Caleb’s lips press against his forehead, he knew with a frightful certainty that he would not die for him. He could kill for him, for all of them, in fact, he already had down in the depths of the Dungeon of Penance. It was easy. Killing had always been easy, if sometimes distasteful. All that blood and viscera was a horror to clean up, especially when it got on his robes. 

But, he found himself not minding the clean up after he had crushed Caleb’s scourger. It was a pleasure, really. While Caleb was distressed, Essek felt nothing but cold satisfaction. She had harmed someone he cared about, and for a few seconds that’s about the only thing that mattered to him. Then he remembered why he had gotten close to these people in the first place. To gain their trust, to keep them from the truth. It was simply a matter of survival. 

Dying; however, dying was something else entirely. 

Caleb was much the same, Essek noted as he watched him pull back and force Essek to face him. That look in his eyes. It pained Essek to meet that piercing gaze knowing that in that moment Caleb's brilliant mind was weighing the pros and cons of sparing Essek, his own hopes and goals warring between practicality and sentiment.

There was anger as well; it was a well hidden threat coiled beneath his words, buried under kindness. “I would love for you to see the sunrise, so if there is a reasonable explanation, we would love to hear it.” Caleb had gentled his voice, allowing for the heartbreak and disappointment to shine through. His voice broke on the words. “You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself. And we are offering it.” Calculated and to the point. It was as if he had rehearsed it. Truly it was a masterful tapestry of manipulation. It wasn’t difficult to hear it in his voice. A Shadowhand would not be a Shadowhand if he could not sense even the slightest whiff of deceit. He was well versed in it. 

Essek had also come to learn firsthand that manipulation yielded the best results when one encouraged real affection. It worked wonders for Caleb as he weaseled spell after spell from him with ease. The entire Nein managed it as well after a while. Pushing boundaries, offering kindness. Soon Essek was granting favor after favor, acting as their private chauffeur despite the inconvenience it often posed for him. He still hadn’t collected. He planned to. Though, he supposed he could keep telling himself that. 

Essek listened numbly, mind rushing with all the plans he’d made. He watched in his mind's eye as each plan crumbled before him. 

“You were not born with venom in your veins,” Caleb had said, fervent. He had been desperate to save him. Essek thought,or hoped, rather, that his desperation came more from his heart than his head, that he cared for him beyond utility. Essek knew better. 

He was not born with venom in his veins; however, the venom continued to reside there. 

It still ran through Caleb’s veins too, otherwise he would have saved that scourger, would have died for her. Then Essek wouldn’t have splashed that woman’s blood across the floor. 

Caleb was practical after all.

If you can not be saved, then you are a threat. 

If you are a threat, then you must be disposed of.

It was simply a matter of survival.

Caleb said “You were not born with venom in your veins.” Essek heard, “Please do not make me kill you.”

***

Essek heard the rustle of pages coming from the other side of the room. He looked up to find the Martinet was sitting comfortably at his desk, leisurely sorting through some documents. If not for his time as the Shadowhand, Essek would have been visibly shocked at his presence. He stood straighter and calmly put his book back on the shelf. His toes curled in his boots as he moved to face Da’leth, acutely aware his feet were planted firmly on the ground. His fingers itched to cast the spell that would lift him from the floor, but he decided against it. 

“Martinet Da’leth. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The Martinet flipped a few more pages before lifting his hand and beckoning Essek to come closer. 

Essek clenched his jaw. He feigned confusion, continuing to stand where he was. 

The Martinet lifted his gaze from the documents, granting Essek one placid look before directing his eyes downward once more. “Friends, was it?”

“Pardon?”

“Last we spoke, I mentioned that you had changed. You then proceeded to tell me that acquiring “friends” was the reason.”

Essek’s heart thudded helplessly against his chest. A thousand scenarios played out in his mind, all of them ending in bloodied faces and unmoving bodies. A few scenarios ended with his own body broken at the feet of his...friends as they looked down at him with disgust. He swallowed his panic.

“What of it?” Essek asked, quelling the urge to dash downstairs to grab his mantle.

“Your friends are the Mighty Nein, correct?”

Essek’s brow furrowed, confused with this line of questioning. He feared the worst, but that did not mean he pretended to know exactly where this would lead. 

“I do not see what that has to do with anything. The war has come to an end, you have the beacon. I personally saw to it that the they did not stumble upon the truth—

“And yet they have,” the Martinet interrupted, rising from the desk with the papers held neatly in his hand. “While this would usually not pose a problem, this,” he emphasized, bringing the papers in his hand up to Essek’s eye level, “will.” He began walking toward Essek, still holding the papers up before him. 

Essek stood perfectly still as Da’leth approached him. He rapidly calculated the likelihood of the Martinet attacking him, weighing the outcomes of the scuffle if Essek were to flee or defend himself. Fleeing would bring scrutiny, but not as much as defending himself against attack. Too many questions would arise about the presence of an Empire wizard in his tower. While those could easily be bent to his favor, his mind kept straying back to the Nein, and their earnest efforts to end the war. Fleeing then, would be best, that is if he could escape him. The rest could be waved away as an urgent Dynasty matter. He could even claim he had rushed to the Mighty Nein’s aid. It would suggest attachment, but Essek suspected he was long past the point of feigning distance. If all else failed, then fleeing was best. He’d evade both the Empire and the Dynasty. He at least had a couple of hideouts he could abscond to. 

Once he had come to this decision, the Martinet had finally reached him. Standing impassively in front of him, he held the papers out to him. Essek eyed the papers with distrust, refusing to move. There was nothing remarkable about them, no words or seals he could discern. Right as Essek was about to speak, Martinet Da’leth cut him off once more. 

“I would reconsider who you call friend, seeing as this one had no qualms with betraying you,” he said, then pushing the papers into Essek’s chest. 

Essek’s eyes went wide. “What?” He automatically took the papers. He skimmed the documents, reading them over. The handwriting was messy and rushed, as if it were written by a child with a sharp stick. The more he read, the more Essek sank, his knees threatening to give out beneath him. This was Veth’s handwriting and she—-they all had—

“We intercepted this before it could reach its destination. The enemy of my enemy, Thelyss. You would do best to remember that.”

“...Yes.”

***

Essek watched as Caleb stirred into wakefulness. Watching him reminded Essek of how fragile spellcasters were, how fragile Caleb is. Despite himself, Essek ached for his friends, for him.

Caleb groaned as he came to. Panic, short and swift, gripped him. It was evident in the tension in his shoulders, the slight grimace at the corner of his mouth. All of it was minute, yet visible to Essek’s trained eye. Caleb, having obviously not forgotten his training, calmed at that same moment. Slowly he pushed himself up into a sitting position, clearly dragging out the time he had to properly take in his surroundings. He was in perfect control until his eyes landed on Essek, watching him from the bars of his cell door. He froze.

Essek hesitated for a moment, lingering in the shadows. Even though he knew Caleb’s human eyes were too weak to see him clearly, Essek’s traitorous heart began to beat loudly, thudding against his chest. A century of practice and yet one human man gave him pause. 

“Essek, what is the meaning of this?”

His mouth felt dry. He moved into the torchlight provided by the sconce nearby. The next part came much easier. “I knew you no longer trusted me…. It does hurt me to know that your so-called hope was just as false. Though, it does hearten me to know that it was you who succeeded in besting me at my own game.”

“...Essek, what are you talking about? What has happened? Where are the others?”

Without thinking, Essek reached to unlock the cell door, then paused. He held Caleb’s gaze. Was that anger there? Was it confusion, heartbreak, or betrayal? Would he still extend his hand to him even now? He dropped his hand.

“I told you I wouldn’t be able to protect you.”

Then he stepped back into the shadows.


End file.
